Running....

  I've been thinking today about training to run a half marathon and actually doing it. I've started to train twice before and both times haven't followed through on finishing my training and running the race. I'm ashamed of having quit instead of pushing through the training and really doing it. I want to actually commit to doing something hard like that and following through till I cross that finish line.
  It's interesting that I was thinking about that today, because this morning in my quiet time I was reading in Luke 8 and the parable of the sower. In the explanation of the parable it was talking about the good seed and it said this, "But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a good crop." Luke 8:15
  The word persevering stood out to me in that passage, because as of late I haven't been persevering in much. I've been so lazy and easily discouraged and haven't pushed myself to do things that really stretch me, and are good for me. So that verse hit me pretty hard and showed me that walking with God is not something that's easy. It's not a stroll in the park, it's a race!
  I love to watch the show "The Amazing Race". The teams in that show are in it to win it! They can't just slowly try to complete the challenges, they have to push themselves to do it right and fast! They value the prize so much that they are willing to do things they would never do, and challenge themselves in ways they never would to walk home with that fat check!
  I think that I need to view my faith in that way. It's a race and I need to run with my eyes fixed on the prize, Jesus. I can't let myself stop running or get distracted by things on either side of me! I have an incredible prize waiting for me that I might miss out on if I give up!
  So this half marathon isn't just a race, it symbolizes so much more for me. This is a picture of how I need to be living my life. I need to run with endurance the race marked out for me! So I think I will challenge myself not just to run this physical marathon, but also to run the spiritual one already marked out for me.
  " Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Mrs.Duchi

  It has been a really long time since I've wrote. I looked at the date of my last post, and it was nearly a year ago, right before I got married! I'm now Mrs.Duchi. It's odd to think of myself as a Mrs. I've been married almost a year now and I'm still getting used to the idea.
  In my almost 10 months of marriage I've learned a lot, but most of all I've learned that I have so much to learn! I went into marriage with a picture of what I thought it was going to be like and I was pretty far off! I thought that I would run around the house as a cheerful little wifey with my hair all done and cutesy clothes on, and then Drew would walk up to me in the kitchen and wrap me in a hug, and I would smile sweetly up at him and get lost in the moment.... ok so maybe my imagination didn't go that sappy, but still. I thought it would have it's hard moments, but overall the first year would be a wonderful, romantic, amazing time of my life.
  People had said to me that the first year is often very hard, and I heard them, but I thought, oh yeah it will be different and maybe a hard adjustment, but Drew and I know what it takes to work as team etc, so we will not struggle too much. It's true that pride comes before a fall! Not to say that Drew and I have only had troubles in marriage, that is not at all the case. Some of the things I imagined and dreamed of are true! Drew and I have a lot of fun together, we are learning to work as a team, and he is becoming my best friend. I love the man very much!
  But marriage is not without it's struggles. It's not something you can just dreamily get through, it takes work on not just a daily basis, but on a moment to moment basis. Love is not a feeling, but something to work at. But the beauty of it is, the more you work at it and chose to give love even when you don't feel "in love" the deeper your love for your spouse grows. I'm not going to post everything I've learned about marriage in this post, but I'm going to share my journey along the way.
  I know I'm a newlywed and I know many others know much more about marriage than I, but I'm learning and I hope that as I share my journey with you that you will be encourage and learn from my mistakes. Married or not, I hope that somehow, someway I can encourage you along my journey as a wife, and a women striving to follow Christ. 

Love covers

  I just read Proverbs 10:12 which says; "Hatrid stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs." Reading that caused me to start thinking about love covering over something. What does it look like for love to cover something? When I first read that it seemed like it was referring to a cover up, so it would be like not even dealing with the wrong, but just covering it up.
  As I thought about it further I came to the conclusion that covering over a wrong doesn't mean not dealing with it, but it means not holding onto it. It ties in with the "love chapter" in 1 Cor. 13 which says that love keeps no record of wrongs. So when someone wrongs you the response should be to not hold it over their head and hang out to it, but to deal with it and let it go.
  I know this is really basic stuff, but I think it's worth mentioning because even the most basic stuff can be forgotten in a moment of anger and frustration at a person for how they've wronged you. I know that I constantly forget the basic stuff and so easily lapse into thinking only of myself and how angry I am at whoever wronged me, instead of thinking about how I can respond in love. Thinking about love covering brings me to dwell on love in general. 
  I think that I am so far from really grasping what love is and how to give and receive love. I read verses like the one in Proverbs and I realize just how unloving I can be at times. I get so consumed in myself and what I want and think I need, and don't often stop to think of the other person and what their needs are and how I can meet them. 
  I get so swept into the cultures view of love, which is that it is a feeling and that it's all about the romance and being swept away. That's not love at all! True love is not giving up on someone when you want to walk away, it's being patient when they are getting on your nerves, it's giving to them when you don't feel like giving to anyone, it's meeting their needs when you really just want someone to meet yours, love is a sacrifice and a choice.
  The cool thing is that the more you choose to love someone is when the feelings often start to come with it! The more you love someone the more your love for them grows and before you know it what used to be frustration is now deep love for that person. Of course there are those people who are always hard to love and it's always a battle, but making the choice to love and prayer go a long way in those situations.
  I still have so much to learn about love, but these are just some of my thoughts on it. I'm so glad that God made the choice to love us humans even though we really don't deserve it at all! Thinking about that makes me think, how can I choose not to love someone when God chose to love me? I've been giving a great gift how can I not share it? 
 
 

Good things

  "Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."

"who satisfies your desires with good things..."
That part of the psalm really stood out to me.
At first I was like, oh so He gives us all our desires, ok, well how come I still don't have what I want?
Then it dawned on me. God doesn't give me what I want necessarily, but what is BEST for me.
He gives me good things.
  Often I see good things as those things that I want, when really what is good for me is sometimes exactly the opposite! God knows my heart better than I know my heart and so knows exactly what I need to satisfy my hearts longings. He is my Heavenly Father who knows me inside and out and can meet my needs better than I can meet my own! How amazing it is that He chooses to meet this sinful person right where she is at to lavish so much love and compassion on!
  This psalm reminds me that I can rest knowing that my Father is taking care of me. I don't have to run around trying to get my hearts needs met, and trying to find the love I so long for. God has already graciously given that to me, and is daily here ready to meet my deepest needs. He is taking care of me, and won't stop doing so. He gives me good things.

Changes

    Change. A word that brings feelings of excitement, sadness and fear all at one time. A word that fills my heart with so many emotions that I can barely hold them in. Something my heart desires and yet dreads. 
  Right now I sit overwhelmed at the amount of change happening in my life. It's all happening so fast and so soon, I didn't know it would be so hard to move into this next chapter of my life. Yet change is here, knocking at the door. I have no choose but to let it in. I can't live my life stuck in the same place unable to change out of fear. 
  I'm no longer a child. I will be leaving my family and starting a new life for myself a new family. No longer will I have the comfort of coming home to those same faces I've come home to for almost 22 years. To think of that brings tears to my eyes as I think of missing out on the crazy conversations, the fits of laughter, and also the heavy conversations and tears. No longer will I be one of the Millett clan. 
  It's now that I realize how deeply I love my family and how hard it will be to leave. Yet something beckens. Something sweet and precious to me. A new life, a new family. A chance to build something new from the ground up. A new face to come home to, a new person to share every part of my life with. A new last name that I will carry with me and pass onto my children. 
  Tears will be shed and my heart will be sad as I leave this old life, but there is hope in starting new. There is excitement in what the future may bring, and joy at the thought of walking side by side with my love as long as we both shall live. 
  Perhaps change is a door that we all must walk through to live the life we were intended to live. To stay in one place is to miss out on all that life has to offer. I'm ready. I will open that door when the time comes and walk through it with joy and tears.     

Undeserving...

  Have you ever been given so much that it just makes you pause and think about how little you deserve it?
To have a stranger help in your time of need, to have someone think the world of you and pour out so much love into your life even though you have failed to love them as they deserve? I don't deserve what I have, not one bit.

Courtship...

 COURTSHIP. A word that often brings to mind images of a couple in a suit and dress sitting uncomfortably in the living room on different pieces of furniture awkwardly trying to make conversation with the girls parents. When people hear the word they think that it's so old fashioned, and stiff, and who would ever want to do that?
 I admit to thinking similar thoughts on courtship. It does sound so old fashioned and formal, and often way too legalistic... At least from afar. However, upon looking at it from another perspective perhaps it's not so old fashioned and strange. Perhaps even it is an incredibly romantic way to pursue someone.
  Dictionary.com defines courtship as, "The wooing of one person by another." Looking at it from that perspective sounds so romantic! Nothing at all as most picture courting right? Well, lets look at what courting is. It varies from couple to couple. Some are more lose with their boundaries within courting and others more legalistic. Basically though it is a committed relationship that looks towards marriage and the couple pursues each other in a very pure, simple and non physical way. In courting there are certain boundaries such as not spending time alone together in secluded places, and avoiding physical contact that is beyond friendly.
  Courtship tends to focus more on getting to know the person and building an emotional bond then a physical bond. That seems so foreign in this physical driven society, and so unromantic and unloving. But perhaps it is romantic just in a subtle way. What if you look at it as caring about the other person so much that you want a relationship with them because you love being with them and love them for who they are, not for getting your needs met physically. What if you care about them so much that you want to respect them by protecting them from being taken advantage of physically, and you love them enough to be willing to wait to be physical with them till marriage?
  It's a different perspective for sure, because it seems odd to have so many boundaries, and like maybe you don't have the same normal desires to be physical like everyone else does, but really it's because you have so much desire that you want to protect you and the other person from yourself essentially. So really it's a form of loving the person, and if looked at that way is incredibly romantic. It's a slow pursuit of the person, letting the love form and grow over time as you get to know the person for who they are.
  I'm not bashing regular relationships by any means by endorsing courtship. I'm just presenting another perspective and also using this as a means to work through my wrestling match with the idea of courtship. I believe there is a lot of good in it and that it should be considered. However, if a couple decides to not go the route of courtship that's fine. God can definitely be in the center of a relationship that's not as structured as courtship. So both can be God honoring, the question is what is God calling you to in regards to relationships? That is something that each person and each couple needs to wrestle with.

3 months ago I would not have expected this...

 It's crazy how life takes you on so many twists and turns. (Or maybe it's God who takes you more then life itself) A few months ago I would never have seen myself where I am today. I never would have thought that I would have a job that I love, and that fits me perfectly. I never would have thought that an incredible man would come into my life and begin to pursue me. I would never have thought that I would have my own car and be looking to move out in a few months. I would never have thought that I would be finishing up my AA in the fall and then taking a year off of school. All those things required trust, and once I gave that trust to God He provided in crazy ways!
  My job required that I trust that God would provide me a job. Once I got to that point of putting it in God's hands the very next day God provided someone calling to set up an interview and then a day later I had a job! Having an incredible man coming into my life required that I trust God to either provide someone incredible or help me to be content with singleness. The moment when I surrendered the desire to have a man to God and actually was content in my singleness was right around the time when God provided an incredible man who is constantly showing me a clearer picture of the amazing love God has for me.
  Getting my car required me telling God and others that I had that need and then God provided a great car at a great price! The biggest lesson in trust out of all these (besides learning to better trust Drew as we grow closer, and get closer to pursuing courtship) is taking a break from school. I so badly wanted to go go go until I finished this all up. I had a timeline and a specific plan for how I wanted things to look with schooling and God showed me that I need to let go of that plan. So within a few months I will be entering into a time of rest and waiting. It will be good, but hard for someone like me who wants to be in control constantly!
  So basically, the reason I'm where I'm at today is because I'm learning to trust God, and He is showing me through this that He does provide. He is SO faithful in so many ways, and will ALWAYS come through no matter what! It may not be in the way I would like or expect, but it is the best way, and in His perfect timing. God knows best. He loves me and you so deeply. If we would only trust Him more He would show us the wonderful things He has in store for us!

Free falling

What would it be like to just let go? To be still and not hold everything in an iron fist?

To say, "My life is in Your hands God. You are my Lord" and really mean it?

I think it would mean being able to look at new challanges and experiences with joy instead of anxiety.

I think it would mean peace instead of turmoil.

I think it would mean my life being able to be a true example of a life lived trusting God, instead of a life lived

trying to be self sufficient.

I want to let go. I want to truly expereince what it means to trust.

"Now I'm free. Free falling...." (I don't know how well that relates, but it's stuck in my head and it makes sense to me!)

What is this... Pursuit?!

I'm amazed by God. A person can think they know Him and have this view of who they think He is only to find out that they were completely wrong. Such is the case with me constantly! The most recent way He caught me off guard was with His pursuit of me. He has been pursuing me all these years in so many ways! Some times it's been through taking people and/or things out of my life to show me my need for Him (and sometimes to protect me) and lately it's been using other people to show me an example of what it means to be pursued in a Godly way.
 I'm discovering that it means that the pursuer is always looking out for the best of the person they are pursuing, which means respecting them and loving them in an unconditional way. It also means commitment, and not giving up on the person even when it's tempting too. It's a journey, it doesn't all happen at one time, which means that it also requires patience. Not very many people are willing to pursue in a Godly way because it means a lot of sacrifice and dying to themselves and putting the other first.
  God however, is always pursuing us that way, and sometimes He puts people in our lives who are willing to pursue us in that way too. People who are seeking the heart of God and so their life reflects it in the way the view relationships. Having such a person in your life is incredible and such a gift from God that shows you how He views you. Sometimes this comes in the form of a romantic relationship or perhaps family or a dear friend. God uses all kinds of people to show us what love is. I'm so grateful for that! Relationships are a beautiful way that God shows us His love.
  I'm so thankful that God is constantly pursuing me in many different ways. I know that I don't deserve it, and yet He keeps at it. That amazes me! His faithfulness, patience and love knows no end!!

My obsession

  I'm quite obsessed with love.
I yearn to find it, to have it, to hold it in my hands and treasure it.
I chase it, I dream it, I feel it, I want it.
Love is so near and yet so far away.
I know I have it, I know it's mine and yet it feels like it's not mine, like it's just out of grasp.
So I keep chasing love down rabbit trails hoping to finally catch up, to finally grab ahold of it.
Maybe if I stop chasing it, it will start chasing me.

Lonliness

  Some days it overwhelms me like a flood, that feeling of emptiness coupled with hopelessness. It's what many call loneliness. Feeling like it's just you against the world, trying to face another day with none to cheer you on. When it sets in depression soon follows, and doesn't easily leave. It's like a whirlpool pulling you deeper in with each moment that passes by living in that state. How does one get out of it when they can't seem to figure out how to swim? The only way to be saved is to have someone else rescue them, someone else has to reach out their hand and you have to grab on. The cure for loneliness is companionship. It's not something to be fixed on your own, not something to just overcome. We need each other, we can't do this thing called life alone, and yet oh how we are expected to. Maturity means indepence in our society. If someone can't "succeed" in life alone then they are considered to be weak and needy. There is so much pressure to be ok with being alone, to be a "strong" person who needs no others, to be self sufficient. Well, at the risk of sounding weak, I'm going to admit something- I get really lonely, and I need people. I can't do this thing called life alone. There I said it. The truth is out, and I'm not taking it back. While we are here in this honest place, I'm also gonna admit that I don't want to be single the rest of my life and I'm ok with not being ok with it. I'm ok with wanting to have someone to walk through life with me, someone who will show me what love is and I will show them. I think that would be a wonderful gift. Those are my honest desires and I'm not ashamed of them, I'm not gonna pretend to be a self sufficient women who needs no one, and especially needs no man, because I'm not. Yes, I can do many things on my own, but living life alone is not one of the things I want to do on my own. This is not a cry for some man to come and sweep me off my feet (though I admit my heart does desire that at times) this is me being real about my thoughts and feelings and admitting that I'm frightfully lonely right now. I'm willing to wait on God's timing, because His timing is perfect. Just right now it's hard to be alone. There you have it, my honest thoughts and feelings.

His ways are best

   I think I've realized that I don't often take a step back from what my plans are and seek God's. I so often run so fast in the direction I want to go and barely slow down enough to see what's really best for me. I think that is especially true when it comes to my education. I've chosen one school that I want to go to and have not really been willing to consider others. I think it's time to take a step back and see what God has for me.
  Even though it's hard to grasp I know that His plans for me really are far greater than my plans for myself. He knows not just what will happen today but what will happen 10 years from now! Who am I who lives only in the present and know so little to think that I know what's best for myself? It's time to humble myself and be willing to let go of my plans.
  "For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways my ways declares the Lord, for as the heavens are higher then the earth so are my thoughts higher then your thoughts and my ways then your ways." Isaiah 55:8-9.

When I want to run...

  I've been realizing how much I live my life in fear. Something is out of my comfort zone or a big step to take and instead of taking it I run in fear. I do that mainly with relationships. I fear getting close to people and letting them see the real me. I fear letting people into the deep places of my heart where they can see my joy and sorrow, the things that make me hurt and the things that bring healing to my soul. I fear letting people see that for fear that they will leave out of disgust for what they see.
  I especially want to run in fear when I start to really care for someone, but fear that they will reject me if I really open up my heart to loving them and letting them love me. When someone starts to pursue me I want to run in fear, because I'm afraid the pursuit will only end in another broken heart. I don't want to open myself up and put myself out there to let people see the real me, I don't want to be forward with people and iniate getting to know them. What if they reject me? Sometimes I just want to run away in fear, but I'm learning to face the fear. The only way to truly experience love is to have a heart that can receive love. Running away will never create such a heart in me. It's time to stop running and face my biggest fear.

Dream

 When I was younger I used to dream big. My head would constantly be full of hopes I had for the future and things I wished I could do. I thought that maybe I could achieve those dreams or if not that it was ok to let myself dream anyway. But then the day came when one of my biggest dreams was crushed and I didn't really let myself dream after that because I told my self it was foolish.
 Now I'm here on the verge of letting myself dream again, of letting myself have hopes that may perhaps be dashed. I don't really know what I want anymore because I've stopped letting myself feel desires. Maybe now is the time to sit and let myself dream big dreams, to let myself be open to the desires I have inside. Who knows? Perhaps God has put those desires within in me and to ignore those is to ignore a piece of me that He created.
  It may be time to enter the world of dreams once again, if only to discover the desires that dwell within me. It's time to dream...

Love

  People are obsessed with love. Almost every movie you watch or every book you read has atleast some hint of it. People want to be loved and so find great pleasure in reading or watching others fall in love because they can experience it in a way even if they are not experiencing it personally.
  Love has been tainted though and turned into this sex crazed thing instead of what it was intended to be. Most people don't even know what love is anymore. They just go by what they feel and if they feel attracted to someone it must be love. Love has turned into a feeling and people think the way to express that feeling is through sex.
  It would seem from the outside looking in that people have sex just to have sex because they enjoy it and it makes them feel good. In some ways that's true, but I think there is a deeper reason. I think people have sex because they are looking to connect with someone in a deep way, they want to be close with someone, because they want to feel loved. People yearn for love, they crave it.
  I too crave love. I want to be treasured, want to be the girl who fills a mans life with sunshine. I want to feel that I'm unique and beautiful. I know what the Bible says about this. I know that it says that God loves me that deeply and that He treasures me. I know that it's true because I believe the Bible is true, but oh how my heart wrestles with that! I struggle to really believe that God treasures me and loves me that much. It seems like such a far off truth that I struggle to grasp.
  If I could name one struggle that I've had all my life that overcoming would impact my life in huge ways, it would be the struggle to accept that I'm loved. If I could overcome that struggle and really cling to the fact that God loves me and that I have inifinite worth in Him then my life would be forever changed. No longer would I chase after the love of a man to fill me. Yes, I might still fall in love, but it wouldn't be what defines me. No longer would I shrink back from reaching out to others for fear of rejection because I would know that I'm accepted by God. No longer would I hide in fear from telling others of Jesus' love for them because it would be a fire burning so bright in me that I couldn't help but tell them! By truly grasping how loved I am I would be able to love others in such a powerful way!
  I need to somehow get beyond my feelings and just cling to the truth that I'm so desperately loved by God. This is the verse I need to believe with all my heart... "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I am loved and so are you.

People say that teenagers think they know everything, I know that was semi true with me. I thought I had a lot of things figured out and then I started going to college left my teens behind me and realized just how little I do know. Life is complicated, and it's so hard to know if I'm going in the right direction. Sometimes all I can do is walk in what I think is the right direction and hope and pray that it is. I think maybe I need to ask God for guidance more often because following my own path doesn't always end well. There is a verse in Proverbs that I've heard so many times that in some ways it feels over used. I think that it has such good truth to it though, and that I can't just brush it off cause I've heard it before. It's Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways aknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  I think that my life would be forever changed if only I lived by that Proverb.