Have you ever been given so much that it just makes you pause and think about how little you deserve it?
To have a stranger help in your time of need, to have someone think the world of you and pour out so much love into your life even though you have failed to love them as they deserve? I don't deserve what I have, not one bit.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Courtship...
COURTSHIP. A word that often brings to mind images of a couple in a suit and dress sitting uncomfortably in the living room on different pieces of furniture awkwardly trying to make conversation with the girls parents. When people hear the word they think that it's so old fashioned, and stiff, and who would ever want to do that?
I admit to thinking similar thoughts on courtship. It does sound so old fashioned and formal, and often way too legalistic... At least from afar. However, upon looking at it from another perspective perhaps it's not so old fashioned and strange. Perhaps even it is an incredibly romantic way to pursue someone.
Dictionary.com defines courtship as, "The wooing of one person by another." Looking at it from that perspective sounds so romantic! Nothing at all as most picture courting right? Well, lets look at what courting is. It varies from couple to couple. Some are more lose with their boundaries within courting and others more legalistic. Basically though it is a committed relationship that looks towards marriage and the couple pursues each other in a very pure, simple and non physical way. In courting there are certain boundaries such as not spending time alone together in secluded places, and avoiding physical contact that is beyond friendly.
Courtship tends to focus more on getting to know the person and building an emotional bond then a physical bond. That seems so foreign in this physical driven society, and so unromantic and unloving. But perhaps it is romantic just in a subtle way. What if you look at it as caring about the other person so much that you want a relationship with them because you love being with them and love them for who they are, not for getting your needs met physically. What if you care about them so much that you want to respect them by protecting them from being taken advantage of physically, and you love them enough to be willing to wait to be physical with them till marriage?
It's a different perspective for sure, because it seems odd to have so many boundaries, and like maybe you don't have the same normal desires to be physical like everyone else does, but really it's because you have so much desire that you want to protect you and the other person from yourself essentially. So really it's a form of loving the person, and if looked at that way is incredibly romantic. It's a slow pursuit of the person, letting the love form and grow over time as you get to know the person for who they are.
I'm not bashing regular relationships by any means by endorsing courtship. I'm just presenting another perspective and also using this as a means to work through my wrestling match with the idea of courtship. I believe there is a lot of good in it and that it should be considered. However, if a couple decides to not go the route of courtship that's fine. God can definitely be in the center of a relationship that's not as structured as courtship. So both can be God honoring, the question is what is God calling you to in regards to relationships? That is something that each person and each couple needs to wrestle with.
I admit to thinking similar thoughts on courtship. It does sound so old fashioned and formal, and often way too legalistic... At least from afar. However, upon looking at it from another perspective perhaps it's not so old fashioned and strange. Perhaps even it is an incredibly romantic way to pursue someone.
Dictionary.com defines courtship as, "The wooing of one person by another." Looking at it from that perspective sounds so romantic! Nothing at all as most picture courting right? Well, lets look at what courting is. It varies from couple to couple. Some are more lose with their boundaries within courting and others more legalistic. Basically though it is a committed relationship that looks towards marriage and the couple pursues each other in a very pure, simple and non physical way. In courting there are certain boundaries such as not spending time alone together in secluded places, and avoiding physical contact that is beyond friendly.
Courtship tends to focus more on getting to know the person and building an emotional bond then a physical bond. That seems so foreign in this physical driven society, and so unromantic and unloving. But perhaps it is romantic just in a subtle way. What if you look at it as caring about the other person so much that you want a relationship with them because you love being with them and love them for who they are, not for getting your needs met physically. What if you care about them so much that you want to respect them by protecting them from being taken advantage of physically, and you love them enough to be willing to wait to be physical with them till marriage?
It's a different perspective for sure, because it seems odd to have so many boundaries, and like maybe you don't have the same normal desires to be physical like everyone else does, but really it's because you have so much desire that you want to protect you and the other person from yourself essentially. So really it's a form of loving the person, and if looked at that way is incredibly romantic. It's a slow pursuit of the person, letting the love form and grow over time as you get to know the person for who they are.
I'm not bashing regular relationships by any means by endorsing courtship. I'm just presenting another perspective and also using this as a means to work through my wrestling match with the idea of courtship. I believe there is a lot of good in it and that it should be considered. However, if a couple decides to not go the route of courtship that's fine. God can definitely be in the center of a relationship that's not as structured as courtship. So both can be God honoring, the question is what is God calling you to in regards to relationships? That is something that each person and each couple needs to wrestle with.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
3 months ago I would not have expected this...
It's crazy how life takes you on so many twists and turns. (Or maybe it's God who takes you more then life itself) A few months ago I would never have seen myself where I am today. I never would have thought that I would have a job that I love, and that fits me perfectly. I never would have thought that an incredible man would come into my life and begin to pursue me. I would never have thought that I would have my own car and be looking to move out in a few months. I would never have thought that I would be finishing up my AA in the fall and then taking a year off of school. All those things required trust, and once I gave that trust to God He provided in crazy ways!
My job required that I trust that God would provide me a job. Once I got to that point of putting it in God's hands the very next day God provided someone calling to set up an interview and then a day later I had a job! Having an incredible man coming into my life required that I trust God to either provide someone incredible or help me to be content with singleness. The moment when I surrendered the desire to have a man to God and actually was content in my singleness was right around the time when God provided an incredible man who is constantly showing me a clearer picture of the amazing love God has for me.
Getting my car required me telling God and others that I had that need and then God provided a great car at a great price! The biggest lesson in trust out of all these (besides learning to better trust Drew as we grow closer, and get closer to pursuing courtship) is taking a break from school. I so badly wanted to go go go until I finished this all up. I had a timeline and a specific plan for how I wanted things to look with schooling and God showed me that I need to let go of that plan. So within a few months I will be entering into a time of rest and waiting. It will be good, but hard for someone like me who wants to be in control constantly!
So basically, the reason I'm where I'm at today is because I'm learning to trust God, and He is showing me through this that He does provide. He is SO faithful in so many ways, and will ALWAYS come through no matter what! It may not be in the way I would like or expect, but it is the best way, and in His perfect timing. God knows best. He loves me and you so deeply. If we would only trust Him more He would show us the wonderful things He has in store for us!
My job required that I trust that God would provide me a job. Once I got to that point of putting it in God's hands the very next day God provided someone calling to set up an interview and then a day later I had a job! Having an incredible man coming into my life required that I trust God to either provide someone incredible or help me to be content with singleness. The moment when I surrendered the desire to have a man to God and actually was content in my singleness was right around the time when God provided an incredible man who is constantly showing me a clearer picture of the amazing love God has for me.
Getting my car required me telling God and others that I had that need and then God provided a great car at a great price! The biggest lesson in trust out of all these (besides learning to better trust Drew as we grow closer, and get closer to pursuing courtship) is taking a break from school. I so badly wanted to go go go until I finished this all up. I had a timeline and a specific plan for how I wanted things to look with schooling and God showed me that I need to let go of that plan. So within a few months I will be entering into a time of rest and waiting. It will be good, but hard for someone like me who wants to be in control constantly!
So basically, the reason I'm where I'm at today is because I'm learning to trust God, and He is showing me through this that He does provide. He is SO faithful in so many ways, and will ALWAYS come through no matter what! It may not be in the way I would like or expect, but it is the best way, and in His perfect timing. God knows best. He loves me and you so deeply. If we would only trust Him more He would show us the wonderful things He has in store for us!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Free falling
What would it be like to just let go? To be still and not hold everything in an iron fist?
To say, "My life is in Your hands God. You are my Lord" and really mean it?
I think it would mean being able to look at new challanges and experiences with joy instead of anxiety.
I think it would mean peace instead of turmoil.
I think it would mean my life being able to be a true example of a life lived trusting God, instead of a life lived
trying to be self sufficient.
I want to let go. I want to truly expereince what it means to trust.
"Now I'm free. Free falling...." (I don't know how well that relates, but it's stuck in my head and it makes sense to me!)
To say, "My life is in Your hands God. You are my Lord" and really mean it?
I think it would mean being able to look at new challanges and experiences with joy instead of anxiety.
I think it would mean peace instead of turmoil.
I think it would mean my life being able to be a true example of a life lived trusting God, instead of a life lived
trying to be self sufficient.
I want to let go. I want to truly expereince what it means to trust.
"Now I'm free. Free falling...." (I don't know how well that relates, but it's stuck in my head and it makes sense to me!)
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
What is this... Pursuit?!
I'm amazed by God. A person can think they know Him and have this view of who they think He is only to find out that they were completely wrong. Such is the case with me constantly! The most recent way He caught me off guard was with His pursuit of me. He has been pursuing me all these years in so many ways! Some times it's been through taking people and/or things out of my life to show me my need for Him (and sometimes to protect me) and lately it's been using other people to show me an example of what it means to be pursued in a Godly way.
I'm discovering that it means that the pursuer is always looking out for the best of the person they are pursuing, which means respecting them and loving them in an unconditional way. It also means commitment, and not giving up on the person even when it's tempting too. It's a journey, it doesn't all happen at one time, which means that it also requires patience. Not very many people are willing to pursue in a Godly way because it means a lot of sacrifice and dying to themselves and putting the other first.
God however, is always pursuing us that way, and sometimes He puts people in our lives who are willing to pursue us in that way too. People who are seeking the heart of God and so their life reflects it in the way the view relationships. Having such a person in your life is incredible and such a gift from God that shows you how He views you. Sometimes this comes in the form of a romantic relationship or perhaps family or a dear friend. God uses all kinds of people to show us what love is. I'm so grateful for that! Relationships are a beautiful way that God shows us His love.
I'm so thankful that God is constantly pursuing me in many different ways. I know that I don't deserve it, and yet He keeps at it. That amazes me! His faithfulness, patience and love knows no end!!
I'm discovering that it means that the pursuer is always looking out for the best of the person they are pursuing, which means respecting them and loving them in an unconditional way. It also means commitment, and not giving up on the person even when it's tempting too. It's a journey, it doesn't all happen at one time, which means that it also requires patience. Not very many people are willing to pursue in a Godly way because it means a lot of sacrifice and dying to themselves and putting the other first.
God however, is always pursuing us that way, and sometimes He puts people in our lives who are willing to pursue us in that way too. People who are seeking the heart of God and so their life reflects it in the way the view relationships. Having such a person in your life is incredible and such a gift from God that shows you how He views you. Sometimes this comes in the form of a romantic relationship or perhaps family or a dear friend. God uses all kinds of people to show us what love is. I'm so grateful for that! Relationships are a beautiful way that God shows us His love.
I'm so thankful that God is constantly pursuing me in many different ways. I know that I don't deserve it, and yet He keeps at it. That amazes me! His faithfulness, patience and love knows no end!!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
My obsession
I'm quite obsessed with love.
I yearn to find it, to have it, to hold it in my hands and treasure it.
I chase it, I dream it, I feel it, I want it.
Love is so near and yet so far away.
I know I have it, I know it's mine and yet it feels like it's not mine, like it's just out of grasp.
So I keep chasing love down rabbit trails hoping to finally catch up, to finally grab ahold of it.
Maybe if I stop chasing it, it will start chasing me.
I yearn to find it, to have it, to hold it in my hands and treasure it.
I chase it, I dream it, I feel it, I want it.
Love is so near and yet so far away.
I know I have it, I know it's mine and yet it feels like it's not mine, like it's just out of grasp.
So I keep chasing love down rabbit trails hoping to finally catch up, to finally grab ahold of it.
Maybe if I stop chasing it, it will start chasing me.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Lonliness
Some days it overwhelms me like a flood, that feeling of emptiness coupled with hopelessness. It's what many call loneliness. Feeling like it's just you against the world, trying to face another day with none to cheer you on. When it sets in depression soon follows, and doesn't easily leave. It's like a whirlpool pulling you deeper in with each moment that passes by living in that state. How does one get out of it when they can't seem to figure out how to swim? The only way to be saved is to have someone else rescue them, someone else has to reach out their hand and you have to grab on. The cure for loneliness is companionship. It's not something to be fixed on your own, not something to just overcome. We need each other, we can't do this thing called life alone, and yet oh how we are expected to. Maturity means indepence in our society. If someone can't "succeed" in life alone then they are considered to be weak and needy. There is so much pressure to be ok with being alone, to be a "strong" person who needs no others, to be self sufficient. Well, at the risk of sounding weak, I'm going to admit something- I get really lonely, and I need people. I can't do this thing called life alone. There I said it. The truth is out, and I'm not taking it back. While we are here in this honest place, I'm also gonna admit that I don't want to be single the rest of my life and I'm ok with not being ok with it. I'm ok with wanting to have someone to walk through life with me, someone who will show me what love is and I will show them. I think that would be a wonderful gift. Those are my honest desires and I'm not ashamed of them, I'm not gonna pretend to be a self sufficient women who needs no one, and especially needs no man, because I'm not. Yes, I can do many things on my own, but living life alone is not one of the things I want to do on my own. This is not a cry for some man to come and sweep me off my feet (though I admit my heart does desire that at times) this is me being real about my thoughts and feelings and admitting that I'm frightfully lonely right now. I'm willing to wait on God's timing, because His timing is perfect. Just right now it's hard to be alone. There you have it, my honest thoughts and feelings.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
His ways are best
I think I've realized that I don't often take a step back from what my plans are and seek God's. I so often run so fast in the direction I want to go and barely slow down enough to see what's really best for me. I think that is especially true when it comes to my education. I've chosen one school that I want to go to and have not really been willing to consider others. I think it's time to take a step back and see what God has for me.
Even though it's hard to grasp I know that His plans for me really are far greater than my plans for myself. He knows not just what will happen today but what will happen 10 years from now! Who am I who lives only in the present and know so little to think that I know what's best for myself? It's time to humble myself and be willing to let go of my plans.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways my ways declares the Lord, for as the heavens are higher then the earth so are my thoughts higher then your thoughts and my ways then your ways." Isaiah 55:8-9.
Even though it's hard to grasp I know that His plans for me really are far greater than my plans for myself. He knows not just what will happen today but what will happen 10 years from now! Who am I who lives only in the present and know so little to think that I know what's best for myself? It's time to humble myself and be willing to let go of my plans.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways my ways declares the Lord, for as the heavens are higher then the earth so are my thoughts higher then your thoughts and my ways then your ways." Isaiah 55:8-9.
Monday, January 30, 2012
When I want to run...
I've been realizing how much I live my life in fear. Something is out of my comfort zone or a big step to take and instead of taking it I run in fear. I do that mainly with relationships. I fear getting close to people and letting them see the real me. I fear letting people into the deep places of my heart where they can see my joy and sorrow, the things that make me hurt and the things that bring healing to my soul. I fear letting people see that for fear that they will leave out of disgust for what they see.
I especially want to run in fear when I start to really care for someone, but fear that they will reject me if I really open up my heart to loving them and letting them love me. When someone starts to pursue me I want to run in fear, because I'm afraid the pursuit will only end in another broken heart. I don't want to open myself up and put myself out there to let people see the real me, I don't want to be forward with people and iniate getting to know them. What if they reject me? Sometimes I just want to run away in fear, but I'm learning to face the fear. The only way to truly experience love is to have a heart that can receive love. Running away will never create such a heart in me. It's time to stop running and face my biggest fear.
I especially want to run in fear when I start to really care for someone, but fear that they will reject me if I really open up my heart to loving them and letting them love me. When someone starts to pursue me I want to run in fear, because I'm afraid the pursuit will only end in another broken heart. I don't want to open myself up and put myself out there to let people see the real me, I don't want to be forward with people and iniate getting to know them. What if they reject me? Sometimes I just want to run away in fear, but I'm learning to face the fear. The only way to truly experience love is to have a heart that can receive love. Running away will never create such a heart in me. It's time to stop running and face my biggest fear.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Dream
When I was younger I used to dream big. My head would constantly be full of hopes I had for the future and things I wished I could do. I thought that maybe I could achieve those dreams or if not that it was ok to let myself dream anyway. But then the day came when one of my biggest dreams was crushed and I didn't really let myself dream after that because I told my self it was foolish.
Now I'm here on the verge of letting myself dream again, of letting myself have hopes that may perhaps be dashed. I don't really know what I want anymore because I've stopped letting myself feel desires. Maybe now is the time to sit and let myself dream big dreams, to let myself be open to the desires I have inside. Who knows? Perhaps God has put those desires within in me and to ignore those is to ignore a piece of me that He created.
It may be time to enter the world of dreams once again, if only to discover the desires that dwell within me. It's time to dream...
Now I'm here on the verge of letting myself dream again, of letting myself have hopes that may perhaps be dashed. I don't really know what I want anymore because I've stopped letting myself feel desires. Maybe now is the time to sit and let myself dream big dreams, to let myself be open to the desires I have inside. Who knows? Perhaps God has put those desires within in me and to ignore those is to ignore a piece of me that He created.
It may be time to enter the world of dreams once again, if only to discover the desires that dwell within me. It's time to dream...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Love
People are obsessed with love. Almost every movie you watch or every book you read has atleast some hint of it. People want to be loved and so find great pleasure in reading or watching others fall in love because they can experience it in a way even if they are not experiencing it personally.
Love has been tainted though and turned into this sex crazed thing instead of what it was intended to be. Most people don't even know what love is anymore. They just go by what they feel and if they feel attracted to someone it must be love. Love has turned into a feeling and people think the way to express that feeling is through sex.
It would seem from the outside looking in that people have sex just to have sex because they enjoy it and it makes them feel good. In some ways that's true, but I think there is a deeper reason. I think people have sex because they are looking to connect with someone in a deep way, they want to be close with someone, because they want to feel loved. People yearn for love, they crave it.
I too crave love. I want to be treasured, want to be the girl who fills a mans life with sunshine. I want to feel that I'm unique and beautiful. I know what the Bible says about this. I know that it says that God loves me that deeply and that He treasures me. I know that it's true because I believe the Bible is true, but oh how my heart wrestles with that! I struggle to really believe that God treasures me and loves me that much. It seems like such a far off truth that I struggle to grasp.
If I could name one struggle that I've had all my life that overcoming would impact my life in huge ways, it would be the struggle to accept that I'm loved. If I could overcome that struggle and really cling to the fact that God loves me and that I have inifinite worth in Him then my life would be forever changed. No longer would I chase after the love of a man to fill me. Yes, I might still fall in love, but it wouldn't be what defines me. No longer would I shrink back from reaching out to others for fear of rejection because I would know that I'm accepted by God. No longer would I hide in fear from telling others of Jesus' love for them because it would be a fire burning so bright in me that I couldn't help but tell them! By truly grasping how loved I am I would be able to love others in such a powerful way!
I need to somehow get beyond my feelings and just cling to the truth that I'm so desperately loved by God. This is the verse I need to believe with all my heart... "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I am loved and so are you.
Love has been tainted though and turned into this sex crazed thing instead of what it was intended to be. Most people don't even know what love is anymore. They just go by what they feel and if they feel attracted to someone it must be love. Love has turned into a feeling and people think the way to express that feeling is through sex.
It would seem from the outside looking in that people have sex just to have sex because they enjoy it and it makes them feel good. In some ways that's true, but I think there is a deeper reason. I think people have sex because they are looking to connect with someone in a deep way, they want to be close with someone, because they want to feel loved. People yearn for love, they crave it.
I too crave love. I want to be treasured, want to be the girl who fills a mans life with sunshine. I want to feel that I'm unique and beautiful. I know what the Bible says about this. I know that it says that God loves me that deeply and that He treasures me. I know that it's true because I believe the Bible is true, but oh how my heart wrestles with that! I struggle to really believe that God treasures me and loves me that much. It seems like such a far off truth that I struggle to grasp.
If I could name one struggle that I've had all my life that overcoming would impact my life in huge ways, it would be the struggle to accept that I'm loved. If I could overcome that struggle and really cling to the fact that God loves me and that I have inifinite worth in Him then my life would be forever changed. No longer would I chase after the love of a man to fill me. Yes, I might still fall in love, but it wouldn't be what defines me. No longer would I shrink back from reaching out to others for fear of rejection because I would know that I'm accepted by God. No longer would I hide in fear from telling others of Jesus' love for them because it would be a fire burning so bright in me that I couldn't help but tell them! By truly grasping how loved I am I would be able to love others in such a powerful way!
I need to somehow get beyond my feelings and just cling to the truth that I'm so desperately loved by God. This is the verse I need to believe with all my heart... "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I am loved and so are you.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
People say that teenagers think they know everything, I know that was semi true with me. I thought I had a lot of things figured out and then I started going to college left my teens behind me and realized just how little I do know. Life is complicated, and it's so hard to know if I'm going in the right direction. Sometimes all I can do is walk in what I think is the right direction and hope and pray that it is. I think maybe I need to ask God for guidance more often because following my own path doesn't always end well. There is a verse in Proverbs that I've heard so many times that in some ways it feels over used. I think that it has such good truth to it though, and that I can't just brush it off cause I've heard it before. It's Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways aknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." I think that my life would be forever changed if only I lived by that Proverb.
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