When I want to run...

  I've been realizing how much I live my life in fear. Something is out of my comfort zone or a big step to take and instead of taking it I run in fear. I do that mainly with relationships. I fear getting close to people and letting them see the real me. I fear letting people into the deep places of my heart where they can see my joy and sorrow, the things that make me hurt and the things that bring healing to my soul. I fear letting people see that for fear that they will leave out of disgust for what they see.
  I especially want to run in fear when I start to really care for someone, but fear that they will reject me if I really open up my heart to loving them and letting them love me. When someone starts to pursue me I want to run in fear, because I'm afraid the pursuit will only end in another broken heart. I don't want to open myself up and put myself out there to let people see the real me, I don't want to be forward with people and iniate getting to know them. What if they reject me? Sometimes I just want to run away in fear, but I'm learning to face the fear. The only way to truly experience love is to have a heart that can receive love. Running away will never create such a heart in me. It's time to stop running and face my biggest fear.

Dream

 When I was younger I used to dream big. My head would constantly be full of hopes I had for the future and things I wished I could do. I thought that maybe I could achieve those dreams or if not that it was ok to let myself dream anyway. But then the day came when one of my biggest dreams was crushed and I didn't really let myself dream after that because I told my self it was foolish.
 Now I'm here on the verge of letting myself dream again, of letting myself have hopes that may perhaps be dashed. I don't really know what I want anymore because I've stopped letting myself feel desires. Maybe now is the time to sit and let myself dream big dreams, to let myself be open to the desires I have inside. Who knows? Perhaps God has put those desires within in me and to ignore those is to ignore a piece of me that He created.
  It may be time to enter the world of dreams once again, if only to discover the desires that dwell within me. It's time to dream...

Love

  People are obsessed with love. Almost every movie you watch or every book you read has atleast some hint of it. People want to be loved and so find great pleasure in reading or watching others fall in love because they can experience it in a way even if they are not experiencing it personally.
  Love has been tainted though and turned into this sex crazed thing instead of what it was intended to be. Most people don't even know what love is anymore. They just go by what they feel and if they feel attracted to someone it must be love. Love has turned into a feeling and people think the way to express that feeling is through sex.
  It would seem from the outside looking in that people have sex just to have sex because they enjoy it and it makes them feel good. In some ways that's true, but I think there is a deeper reason. I think people have sex because they are looking to connect with someone in a deep way, they want to be close with someone, because they want to feel loved. People yearn for love, they crave it.
  I too crave love. I want to be treasured, want to be the girl who fills a mans life with sunshine. I want to feel that I'm unique and beautiful. I know what the Bible says about this. I know that it says that God loves me that deeply and that He treasures me. I know that it's true because I believe the Bible is true, but oh how my heart wrestles with that! I struggle to really believe that God treasures me and loves me that much. It seems like such a far off truth that I struggle to grasp.
  If I could name one struggle that I've had all my life that overcoming would impact my life in huge ways, it would be the struggle to accept that I'm loved. If I could overcome that struggle and really cling to the fact that God loves me and that I have inifinite worth in Him then my life would be forever changed. No longer would I chase after the love of a man to fill me. Yes, I might still fall in love, but it wouldn't be what defines me. No longer would I shrink back from reaching out to others for fear of rejection because I would know that I'm accepted by God. No longer would I hide in fear from telling others of Jesus' love for them because it would be a fire burning so bright in me that I couldn't help but tell them! By truly grasping how loved I am I would be able to love others in such a powerful way!
  I need to somehow get beyond my feelings and just cling to the truth that I'm so desperately loved by God. This is the verse I need to believe with all my heart... "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I am loved and so are you.

People say that teenagers think they know everything, I know that was semi true with me. I thought I had a lot of things figured out and then I started going to college left my teens behind me and realized just how little I do know. Life is complicated, and it's so hard to know if I'm going in the right direction. Sometimes all I can do is walk in what I think is the right direction and hope and pray that it is. I think maybe I need to ask God for guidance more often because following my own path doesn't always end well. There is a verse in Proverbs that I've heard so many times that in some ways it feels over used. I think that it has such good truth to it though, and that I can't just brush it off cause I've heard it before. It's Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways aknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  I think that my life would be forever changed if only I lived by that Proverb.